I need a bucket for my sweat.

Posted: June 19, 2009 in Uncategorized

Yeah, it’s humid, people.  It didn’t rain today, but oh boy, was I wet.  And not in a porn way.  Well, I did get a card with directions to a strip club that has a sushi bar.  To quote “Redheaded Sports Jew” or RSJ as she will be called from here on out, “Do you really want to serve an item at a strip club that smells like fish?” My reply – “That’s not cream cheese.” So I spent a lovely three hours at the Social Security office and chatted with the office worker on how none of the cartoon movies from our childhood have been any good. LOOK ASSHOLES, I’M SORRY YOU WANT TO HOLD ONTO YOUR CHILDHOODS, BUT TRANSFORMERS SUCKED A WALRUS’ BALLS. Optimus Prime does not say, “My bad.” And no one call my dad and tell him he was right. You DON’T need your birth certificate to get a replacement SS card. Drat.

I went and spoke with another dealership and now I have two dealerships jockeying for my sweet, sweet ass, I mean work skills (and sweet, sweet ass). I could be in a worse place than having two jobs after me. We’ll see.

In other news, due to walking around four to five hours a day, sweating like a priest at a cub scout meeting, and my humungo thighs that resemble the thighs of Grandpa’s Prize Winning Sow, I have something akin to what’s referred to as “diaper rash”. I can’t figure out why I’m single. “Clever Bearded Roommate” or CBR as he will be referred to here on out recommended deodorant on my thighs. I’m glad this happens to other people and I’m not some weird mutant. Okay, maybe I’m a weird mutant.

To make things easier, the other characters (like they’re real people, pfsh) will be given aliases and then acronyms, if appropriate, to protect their guilt (why would you need to protect the innocent, they’re innocent, they have nothing to hide). “Softhearted Nature Roommate” is here and will be referred to as SNR (for what reason, I have no idea why). “Dancing Passion Roommate” will be, yes, you guessed it, referred to here on out as Boopy Doo. HA, DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING, DID YOU? *crosses arms* Other characters in my life are “The Racoon Lady” or TRL, “Petunia”, “Stupidman”, “Martha”, “Zombie Queen and Zombie King”, “The Cookie Reacher” or TCR, “Banarm” and “Samurai Bogey”. I will come up with other aliases later.

  1. Stupidman says:

    I just know any day now Superman is going to swoop down and pick you up. I can see you now… first held gently in his arms, then… gosh…it’s almost like you can fly… now you’re just barely holding hands. You’ll think … “Can you read my mind?” … and….um…I’m running out of steam on this fantasy, so we’ll just end it with Superman dropping you off the edge of Niagara Falls, muttering “Large jawed freakshow….” Then a little boy standing behind the railing will yell “THANKS SUPERMAN!”


    • yourboogieman says:

      That’s not fair, I’m way better looking than Margot Kidder.


      • Stupidman says:

        Have you considered that Margot Kidder might be a man? Here’s how it goes down… The guy doing the casting has never read a comic book in his life. He sees that he has to cast “Lois Lane,” but he’s a busy Hollywood type, so he reads “Lois” as “Louis.” His struggling actor friend Marty Kidder really needs a break, so he gives him the job, signed contract and all. So the director comes to the casting guy and says,” who did you pick for Lois Lane, our sexy female lead and romantic interest for Superman?” Boy is his face red, but after some quick thinking, a bad wig, some makeup, some rolled up socks, a brazier, some careful tucking…. WHAM. No one is the wiser.


  2. penny says:

    Am I Petunia?


  3. BigBrother says:

    Ever since “Destroy School” was conceived and flicking off those nasty tree chiggers made our skin crawl (giving us more yearning to climb a tree), you have become more looney every year…I’m proud to be your brother. =D


  4. 37 says:

    So does the codename for CBR change if he shaves?


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