The Full Monty.

Posted: June 24, 2009 in Uncategorized

I’ve been asked to transfer this over to WordPress, so here it is. A few years go, I made the mistake of driving while under the influence and I was awarded the grand prize of three days in jail, a $2000 fine, a 6 month license suspension, 20 days of AA, three months of driver safety classes and 18 days of highway work with the California Transit Authority. THESE ARE THOSE DAYS.

Monday, April 23, 2007
Adventures in Public Service!!!!
Current mood: tired
Category: Parties and Nightlife
Thoughts for today in the service of the California Transit Department.

1. I am never littering AGAIN.

2. It warms my heart to know that so many Californians are using condoms while ON THE FREEWAY. P.S. WTF?

3. The sun is hot.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Adventures in Public Service!!! Part 2: WORK HARDER
Current mood: thirsty
So, today I actually got a workout. Tilling soil and moving weeds and cutting branches.

Things I learned:

1. Not surprising, I’m not great with a pitchfork, but I’m AWESOME with a ho(e).

2. The good employees of the California Transit Department don’t want to be there any more than we do.

3. Penis pumps can be found anywhere. Even in a tree.

I got a burnt face.

Thursday, May 03, 2007
ADVENTURES IN PUBLIC SERVICE PART THE THIRD: AY NO ES BUENO!!
Current mood: groggy
I’m kind of tired, I have to go to a class right now, too. Things I learned:

1. No matter how tired you are when you get up, don’t wear your WORK SHOES TO DO YARD WORK.

2. If I had to, I could live off peanut butter and honey sandwiches forever.

3. When someone yells, “GET OUT DA WAY!”, get out of the way, because a large tree may be rolling towards you.

PEACE.

Thursday, May 10, 2007
ADVENTURES IN PUBLIC SERVICE NUMERO QUATRO: TRABAJO PALAYA!
Current mood: blah
So this day was nothing. We picked up trash for a bit, drove around in the van for a bit, then chopped some weeds for a bit. More days like this and I’ll be done in no time. Lessons for the day.

1. Always bring food or you will come home and devour your fridge.

2. Guys named Stretch are never going to take life too serious.

3. Kids like to make out in the bushes of parks A LOT.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007
ADVENTURES IN PUBLIC SERVICE PART FIVE-O: Well, that was fun.
Current mood: full
Boring, boring day. Picking up trash again. Not too exciting.

1. Never touch dead opossums, guys. That’s gross.

2. You know that guy wandering around, picking up leaves with his grabber and then dropping them, you know the one who looks stoned? Yeah, he’s stoned.

3. There’s lots of free porn out there, people. Just lying on the side of the freeway. And for some reason most of it’s about MILFs.

13 more to go. WOO.

Thursday, May 17, 2007
ADVENTURES IN PUBLIC SERVICE! PART SI-what do you mean I’m going home?
Current mood: calm
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers
Oh, just kidding. I did get up and pick up my Cal Trans buddy, Mario, today, but apparently other workers have been CUTTING SEAT BELTS OFF IN THE VANS (???), so there was limited space. The cut off was RIGHT at Mario and they said, “Oh, they’re taking these two.” (referring to Mario and the guy right before him) I look over at Mario and say, “Oh, hey, I’ll be back at two to pick you up. HA HA!” to which he replied, “Wait, what? NO!” and they took another guy instead. Well, I needed a day to myself anyway. TO BE CONTINUED, BITCHES.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007
ADVENTURES IN PUBLIC SERVICE! PART SIX (for realsies): Oh, you wanted us to WORK! Aaaah!
Current mood: sleepy
Today wasn’t one of my most relaxed days. It was a lot of trimming bushes and eating dirt. And in case you were wondering, yes, I ate a lot of dirt.

1. I missed Stretch today.

2. It’s just a good idea NOT to ask the other workers what they did to get Cal Trans. “Oh, well, I have a bad habit of getting drunk and beating up my wife.” Mario and I had the same reaction. >:| Don’t want to go back to the judge, but fuck “Mr. Tough Guy”.

3. I’ve learned that if you work hard and get the area that they set aside for your crew to work on completely done ahead of schedule, your reward is to be taken to a new area and given more work. 😡

VIA CON GRINGOS. (go with white men)

Thursday, May 31, 2007
ADVENTURES IN PUBLIC SERVICE!!! PART SE7EN: Trash is AWESOME.
Current mood: okay
Category: Writing and Poetry
More trashing with the same lady supervisor, Nicole. She’s okay. It was such a cake day, I’m going to go in tomorrow.

1. Neener neener neener, I found a cell phone. Brand new Razor. And yes, dipshits, I’m going to return it to the original owner if I can find a place to charge it and call someone they know.

2. You know, I’m pretty open-minded, I’d like to think, about the way people dress. And I know I’m old, so I’m not hip to you kids and your rock and roll and sock hops and all that, but if your pants are so low that every time you get out of the van in front of me, I get a nice clear shot of the early afternoon moon, then we have a problem. I really don’t want to see your crack o’dawn every time you get up, Buford. Unless you have a license to sell pudding, keep your pants up, buddy.

3. It may not be the best idea on your lunch break to eat a peanut butter and honey sandwich next to a HIVE OF BEES.

Au revoir, mon petite frommages.

Saturday, June 02, 2007
ADVENTURES IN PUBLIC SERVICE!!! PART EIGHT: ALLEN TAKES MANHATTAN (or the 105 freeway)
Current mood: silly
Now, there are some advantages to keep ending up with the same supervisor. This morning, Nicole, the lady I usually end up with needed four guys to drive around and trash. She saw me and went, “Oh, him.”

1. Maybe two days in a row wasn’t THAT great of an idea. Zzzzzz.

2. HOLY CRAP! I FOUND A GUN! IT’S A GUN, GUYS! I FOUND A…oh, it’s a toy gun. I FOUND A TOY GUN, GUYS! LOOK, IT’S A TOY GUN!

3. It’s a damn shame folks throwing out a perfectly good unopened can of baked beans like that.

Auf weinerzein.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007
ADVENTURES IN PUBLIC SERVICE!!! PART NINE: Halfway to Partytime, Bitches.
Current mood: lethargic
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural
Today wasn’t super hard, mostly because Stretch was our driver again. That man likes to relax, let me tell you.

1. Stretch is a pimp. We had one girl with us today and oh, nelly. Talk about SMOOVE.

2. First bees, now fire ants. WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU, INSECT KINGDOM!!?!?!?

3. No matter what job we do, when I get home, black boogers, man. Black boogers.

May the Force be with you(r mom).

Saturday, June 09, 2007
ADVENTURES IN PUBLIC SERVICE!!! PART X: Fuck you, lazy assholes.
Current mood: full
Category: Pets and Animals
Not a good day. We had an okay supervisor, he just didn’t really care. I learned that every time you work, you get at least one or two lazy ones who don’t do shit. Usually, everyone ignores them because they usually get sent home. Today, we had about eight. And of course, rather than just not work, I’m a dumb shit and still kept working.

1. I don’t have much to say except fuck you, you lazy motherfuckers.

2. Oh, yeah. Fuck you, you lazy motherfuckers.

3. I bet you thought I was going to say ‘fuck you, you lazy motherfuckers’ again. You’d be right.

I’m okay now, though. I had a burrito and some ice cream. Nothing makes a bad day better for a fat man than food.

Thursday, June 14, 2007
ADVENTURES IN PUBLIC SERVICE!!! PART 11: I CAN’T THINK OF A CLEVER SUBTITLE!
Current mood: weird
Category: Web, HTML, Tech
I got stuck with another shitty group today. The driver was in a bad mood and they put her in a WORSE mood. But instead of focusing on the negative, here’s to the few guys who did something.

1. Here’s to you, NASCAR looking white guy. You kind of look like the dad from the Lindsay Lohan Parent Trap. That’s all I have to say about that.

2. Here’s to you, Skinny Emo Kid. You were a trooper, even though you forgot your lunch and I felt bad so gave you my apple. I was afraid if you didn’t eat, you might turn two dimensional.

3. Here’s to you, Mario. Well, Mario always busts ass. I mean, seriously, he broke wind, like, four times.

A Salami Lickem.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007
ADVENTURES IN PUBLIC SERVICE!!! PART 12: Oh, god, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel
Current mood: peaceful
Category: Games
And I think it’s a train. I didn’t get in last Tuesday, so I got on what’s called Overflow. That means I showed up at 6:15 and got in automatically.

1. There’s something to be said for getting a full night’s sleep before having to pretend you’re a farmer all day.

2. Speaking of farmers, my arms look like two big sticks. Not like sticks, like the popsicle. Orange and red.

3. I’m starting to think Mario may be a misogynist since he’s convinced every girl that has to do Cal Trans is there because she stabbed her man 19 times.

Do svidanya, komrades.

Friday, June 22, 2007
ADVENTURES IN PUBLIC SERVICE!!! PART LUCKY NUMERO 13: No, Ruby, Not Yet
Current mood: sad
Category: Podcast
Very depressing morning. Mario and I were split up (that was okay, I wasn’t THAT attached to him) and I got to work with Stretch. Clearing out homeless camps. I mean cutting down kites used for decoration and cleaning up crack pipes. Not a lot to say today. Later on we clipped bushes.

1. Crack pipes are very fragile. I barely picked one up with the rubber grabbers and it shattered. I wish I could take credit for this, but my dear friend, Molly, said, “Really? I wouldn’t think so. You hear about crackheads hiding pipes in their ass. If they were so fragile, it’d be one fart and the party’s over.” Credit where credit’s due.

2. Yes, it smelt like an ass sandwich in there. Which may explain the fragile crackpipes.

3. I don’t want to do that again. I’d rather work in the hot sun and dig holes or cut down trees than think about my brother living like that all day again. 😦

Aloha, pineapple butts.

Thursday, June 28, 2007
ADVENTURES IN PUBLIC SERVICE!!! PART shit what are we on? oh, 14!
Current mood: sore
Another long, hot, hard day working in Satan’s cornhole. I had the same lady as last week and she was actually okay. Nothing bad happened, just another day.

1. Those drivers are fucking SERIOUS about you putting cans in the back of their truck when you pick up trash. I guess they REALLY like the environment.

2. I’m so dirty, I think there are crops growing on my arm.

3. On an unrelated note, it’s my last driving safety class tonight. Things are starting to wrap up.

Ciao, Spaghetti Butts.

(Papa Benedicto!)

Friday, June 29, 2007
ADVENTURES IN PUBLIC SER, christ, I’m getting sick of these blogs, too. PART 15
Current mood: relaxed
Easiest day ever. Seriously. I’m almost done, people who actually care to read these anymore. We just cleared some ivy from one patch behind a freeway. Hardly any work and total shade.

1. Our driver at one point said, “Hey, slow down. You guys are getting too much done.” And if there’s one thing I do, it’s FOLLOW DIRECTIONS. Yes, ma’am. So I leaned on my hoe for about an hour. Which is what I usually do on Friday nights OH SNAP.

2. I noticed this guy reading a script in the van earlier and I caught a glance at the title. LUKE CAGE HERO FOR HIRE. (he’s a comic book character for the unenlightened) Talking to that guy all day made it go by super quick. He used to work for Marvel, so I was in fanboy heaven. I’ll go ahead and fill in the blanks for a few of your comments. “Jesus, Allen, you’re such a fucking geek.”

3. When we were done, we had about a half hour left, so we spent the rest of the day…doing nothing. The only bad part of this day was getting up at 4:15.

Aloha, Haoles.

Saturday, July 07, 2007
It’s that time again, kids. ADVENTURES IN PUBLIC SERVICE!!! PART 16: Seriously? 16?
Current mood: working
Category: Romance and Relationships
It seems that the days are getting lighter and they’re making us take longer breaks. Probably because it’s getting hotter. Also, probably because we got Stretch again. He drove up and four of us went, “Hell yeah.”

1. I found out comic book guy’s secret. I noticed the driver’s kind of talking to him a lot. His dad used to be thier supervisor. So the fact that he got Cal Trans and assigned to that yard, is pretty much the definition of irony. Cool guy, though. Didn’t even fuck around, but he could’ve.

2. We didn’t even do shit, then why did my shower look like a scene from Creature from the Black Lagoon meets Mud Wrestling of the Poor and Infamous? I was DIR-TY.

3. Want to see something gross? This blog comes with PICTURES. Check out this blister, nuckahs. Bring on the “Lonely Guy” remarks. Also, yes, I’m in my boxers. WOOWOO, PORN. (sorry, no picture for you, Facebook, it was gross anyway)

Live long and duck dong.
Monday, July 09, 2007
ADVENTURES IN PUBLIC SERVICE!!! PART 17: Only two more, uh, one more to go!
Current mood: awake
Category: Music
So you get an idea how little work I did today, I haven’t even showered yet and am eating a fat ol’ burrito right now.

1. Hey, driver guy, want to stop fiddling with the radio and keep us from RAMMING THE FEDEX TRUCK IN FRONT OF US!?!?!? Seriously, we almost hit it.

2. Niggahs be dissin’ my orange gloves. They jes jealous.

3, Just so you know, there are Barely Legal Hot Azn Teens just waiting for your fat cock. I swear, it’s true.

Cal-Transbots, ROLL OUT!

Wednesday, July 11, 2007
ADVENTURES IN PUBLIC SERVICE!!! PART 18: THE MOTHERFUCKING END.
Current mood: accomplished
Category: News and Politics
That’s it. Finished. Done. Finito. The fat lady has sung. So, now what do I do? Some final notes.

1. No, there is no part of me that will miss this shit. Not even the mentally insane part.

2. Yes, smartasses, for the last time, I learned my lesson.

3. No, it really wasn’t that bad.

*turns off light*

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