I’m not 100% (or even really 50%) sure where my brain went (possibly the post about my grandparents) to start in on thinking of death and mortality. I was reading Eating the Dinosaur and the chapter I was reading had to do with laugh tracks, but for some reason, I thought of death. Take that as you will. I started thinking of the people in my life that I have lost permanently, either close or just acquaintances, and I realize my list is not that long. I’m not sure if it’s that I’m just lucky (for lack of a better term) or just not old enough. The people who spring to mind are, of course, Nana and Umpa, Jason, Thom, Hyatt, Brett, Jen, Aunt Beverly, Jamie, Chien, Sugar, Lola and Maxine (I understand that the possibility of my cat being dead are slim to none. For all intents and purposes, though, she does not have the capability to contact me, because she’s a cat, and since my mother can not recall or will not recall where she went to, I have realized I will never see her again. This is a very sore subject for me, I would appreciate it if the subject were dropped, to be honest, as I think there are deeper issues here, related to how it went about that will be dealt with later. That being said, she is no longer in my reality, and only exists in my memories, which is the same as being demised, as sad as it makes me).* The list seems longer after I wrote it. Still, it could be longer. I’m not sure now if it’s also related to the fact that I didn’t grow up with an extended family. My family was somewhat self-sustained. There was my dad, mom, my brothers, my sister and (most of my life), my maternal grandmother. Less relatives means less deaths. It’s just math.
And as people do, especially right after someone has shuffled off to Buffalo, when thinking about people who have died, I started thinking about my own death. Not morbidly (at least not more than usual), but more objectively. I know that this is where you get into direct conflict with people in your lives who have a different belief system that you do. The people who believe in just about any sort of religion, have a concept of an afterlife. All the “big ones” do. Without sounding flippant, that’s how most religions start, don’t they? CBR told me an interesting tidbit about the movie, The Invention of Lying; the basic premise is no one lies in the world and Ricky Gervais’ character invents it. His mother is on her death bed and is terrified and distraught over her impending non-existence and so he tells her she’ll go to a place afterwards where all her friends will be and she’ll be happy forever. The Rainbow Bridge, if you will. Oh, yeah, or Heaven. Now, here’s where it gets sticky in my brain. It’s not that I KNOW that after I die, I will disappear forever. It bothers me when either side of the coin uses that phrase. If you believe in an afterlife and a higher power, then you DON’T know, because that’s what faith is all about. It’s about not knowing and still believing. And if you don’t believe, then the point is it doesn’t make logical sense to you to believe in this because it’s not possible to see beyond the veil, so you’re verifying that you DON’T KNOW. The point is….I don’t know. I believe that I will be gone. Which, I’m kind of okay with. Not in that neo-goth “I welcome the cold embrace of Lady Death and cannot wait to leave this world and sleep in the fucking etc etc” way, but in the “What will it be like to be NOTHING” way. Seriously, there are times, where I remember believing in what I was taught and that’s that someday I will go to Heaven and it’ll be cool and I’ll play video games with Big Daddy, JC and the spook. The thing is, as a kid, I rarely thought of my own death. I was invincible. It’s ironic that now that I am closer to it and thinking of it more often, my beliefs have gone over to, uh, pro-oblivion.
What it essentially does (hopefully), is make things a bit more vivid. I’m not going to go off on a rant about how life needs to be lived and sucked the juice out of and yadda yadda. This is true. But it’s been said. Right now, my memories are rushing through my brain. I realize I’m still young, granted, but there’s a lot in there. I wish I could backup my brain. I think there’s the major issue I’m having. I fear the loss of what I’ve already lived more than I worry about what I do forward. I feel like I’m on track to improve my life. Shit, I already have. As soon as wet drives are invented, I’m in. Right now, I think it’s not the end I’m worried about. At least not, THE end. I’m worried about losing more of the beginning. I’m glad I’m doing this blog, also, even though I’m not really sure if ANYONE’S reading it, but as long as the internet exists, at least, I’m getting things down.
*Side note: I did not give any of these people “code names” as it seems somehow disrespectful (Jason would be okay with it, I think), but mostly because I don’t need to protect people from exposure on the internet due to my words, as their status as dead is not up for debate.