It’s funny, I sometimes go back and read some of my past blogs, just to kind of work through things in my head or see what I was thinking in the past. I reread the post, from a bit ago, I Want You to Hug Me AS HARD AS YOU CAN, and went, “Huh. That’s not what I was thinking.” I guess rereading it, my brain was kind of going all over the place. It’s amazing how when you get writing and you get off track or if your brain wanders, you start speaking in your own fucked up language. That means nothing to anyone, including you.
So, what I was thinking was, not by any stretch of the imagination, that I don’t think waiting until you fall in love to be physical with someone is the way to go. I was talking to Boopy Doo last night about how I wish there was someone who really did it for me right now. I don’t even really have a CRUSH on anyone. Yes, it’s good that I should be focusing on myself right now and getting things done, but I LIKE liking someone. I want to enjoy it. Even if it’s totally unrequited (although I’m sure I’d say otherwise if there was and she hated my guts). And I thought how if I was seeing someone and wasn’t sure about them, what am I going to do, wait until I’m sure if they were the “right one” for me before I got closer? Emotionally or physically? How the hell do you do that? So, rather than go back and edit my last post (which is fucking BAD FORM), I’ll retract (oh ho, just lesser bad form). There’s no way I’m of the “I’m saving myself for marriage” school of thought. I guess what I was TRYING to say is I’m done playing around and I’m actually looking for someone I like, as opposed to what I said then, “Well, she’s not TOO crazy.” I like sex as much as the next human being, I just don’t think I can waste any more time. I’ve wasted enough. OH, OLD. And, yes, I know this is fucking DEATH if any girl I like reads this. “By the way, I’m looking to get serious RIGHT AWAY. So, I–hey, where are you going?” That’s not the case, either, but the thing I hate about myself is I almost ALWAYS know when I’m not really into someone, but I think, “Oh, hey, maybe they’ll grow on me.” Yeah, they never do. My instincts are usually pretty right. I need to start listening to them.