Today, I went into my brain a bit, but at first, it seemed like in a bad way. Somehow, it wasn’t. After thinking about what I’ve done, I realized how much more I CAN do. I’m in the middle of doing amazing things; things I’ve been held back (mostly by myself, but some by situations) from doing for years and almost my whole adult life. I try not to hold grudges against people who told me how hard it could be and I might regret it. I actually understand these people love me and just don’t want my life to be harder than it needs to be. But, seriously? FUCK THAT NOISE. This might sound like Stuart Smalley (“And I’m strong enough and smart enough…”), but hard doesn’t equal impossible. I somehow gained this incredible amount of confidence on the way home. I’m happier than I’ve ever been. And I feel stronger than I’ve ever been. IN MY WHOLE LIFE. AND I’VE BEEN HERE SIX MONTHS.
Years ago, I acquired the nickname ‘Your Boogie Man’. Which evolved into Boogie. It was acquired pretty simply, by hearing the KC and The Sunshine Band song on the radio while playing around on the internet. One of the cooler nicknames I’ve had (hell, it’s a lot better than Skippy). A friend of mine, Abaddon, once told me (a loooong time ago), “I’ve never met someone who fit their nickname more than you do.” On the Evil Club Empire forums, someone was trying (unsuccessfully) to taunt me about my name. “And why do they call you Boogie? I don’t get it.” My reply was, “Because I fucking do.” The people who call me Boogie use it in such an endearing manner, how can I not feel better for it? The clubbing every night days are past, but I’ll still answer to Boogie. Until I die.
It doesn’t hurt that the people who do care about me are so supportive, but even more so, are an inspiration. SPINE is constantly evolving and growing and being a part of it makes me feel lucky and drives me to improve myself. Each of them have such an amazing vision of the world and it helps me see things in an entirely new way. The new people I’ve met here, I feel, make me feel welcome and I hope to keep them as friends for the rest of my life. The people back in California still read this blog (amazingly!) and are being actually interested in what I do and as much it makes me miss them, it more makes me want them to come HERE. And I was thinking about someone new I’ve met who is more inspiring than I think she realizes. Her code name is Silly Alice. This is someone who moved here from another country, has raised a daughter almost entirely on her own, has supported her entire family for what seems like most her life, is going to law school and she BEAT CANCER. She kicked its fucking ass. The minute I start to get lazy or frustrated that I can’t do something, I now think of her and I realize what an amazing PUSS I’m being. I have these people in my life who are constant reminders of what humans can do.
Don’t worry, I haven’t gone to some inspirational seminar and now I think I can eat hot coals or some shit. I think it just boils down to the fact that I like the person I am now. I liked who I was before, but I like who I’ve become and who I’m becoming. One part of it has always been the worry to find the person I want to be with and whether they’d want to be with me. Tonight, somehow, I realized, the person who I’d want to be with, WOULD want to be with me (yeah, totally confusing, but it makes sense to me).
To sum up, last week, I had this night where I worried about what I was doing was right, or good, or even worth it. I’m glad I had that night, so that I could answer. Without sounding like a catchphrase (unavoidable), I believe in Boogie.