I’ve been having a bit of blockage, mentally, physically (don’t be gross)….(okay, be gross, it’s allowed, but I meant just general health), creatively, financially and emotionally.
Mentally, I’m having a hard time accessing my brain in the way I want to. I find myself pulling up information incorrectly or grasping for words (OMG OLD). I wonder if this is just a symptom or a cause of the rest.
Physically, I feel rundown and tired. Also, I need to go to the doctor and dentist (I’m waiting for my veterans’ benefits to go through again and that should help). I need to start eating smarter, not harder. :0 I need to start exercising more than having to trudge to work and the general flailing I do in my life. I wonder if this is just a symptom or a cause of the rest.
Creatively, I am trying to work through the sketches, stories and ESPECIALLY the movie script. It’s hard to work through a script based on work, when you’re trying to not think about work outside of work, why can’t I stop saying work. /Maynard G. Krebs (no one will get that) It also puts me somewhere dark to think about this script when it is something that I feel so strongly about and want to come out naturally. When I force it, I get backlash. When I don’t, I find myself distracting myself so that it just gets put into suspended animation. It’s ironic that the subject is something that I want to escape and draws my mind back there instantly. I feel like it it’s a badly made vaccine. It could cure me or infect me with the disease further. I wonder if this is a symptom or a cause of the rest.
Financially, I’m hurting. Again. This is unfortunate and expected. I’m sick of being a cliche. I’m sick of letting myself get confident overconfident. I thought my pay was getting a drastic improvement/overhaul, and now it’s worse than it was. I keep seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and then start running the other way when I realize that light is a FUCKING TRAIN. I find myself bouncing between overspending and then being ridiculous. “WOO! LET’S GO OUT DRINKING FANCY DRINKS AND EATING AT FANCY RESTAURANTS!” Next day – “Hmm, I bet I can live on rice and peas for a week.” I need that balance. I lack that in a lot of places and am trying to find it. I find when I have no money put myself in these financial situations, I let it control me. I wonder if this is a symptom or a cause of the rest.
Emotionally. Emotionally, I have no idea how I feel. I’m not into anyone new and have no desire to really find anyone with the way things are going and don’t know if I’d have the time for them anyway. I was able to slough off the last infatuation pretty quickly and realized I just wanted to like anyone (granted the choice was made for me, but I’m happy with the results). Now, I’m finding I need some time to myself anyway. Besides, I REALLY like my friends right now. Just a half hour talk last night with Boopy Doo was like a tonic for my well being and talking to My Monster and Miss Stewart today made me realize I’m pretty lucky as it is. Some people have NO ONE in their lives. I have amazing, intelligent people who keep me on my toes. I know this is somewhat of a cause of the rest.
And listening to my Zune has helped. Especially, my schizophrenic Zune. Stevie Wonder – Higher Ground, Danzig – How the Gods Kill, Lady Gaga – Bad Romance (DON’T JUDGE), NIN – Sin, Word Up (okay, it was the Korn version, but still, DM – Fly on the Windshield, and then a bunch of POWERNOIZE, BITCHES.
I’m not really unhappy, oddly. That train coming towards me is not scary, I’ll just sidestep and grab onto the side. Just bear with me. I’ll be back to blogging and no one reading it in no time. I think I need to cave it up for a bit, that’s all. :p