I just wanted some coffee…

Posted: March 23, 2010 in Uncategorized

So.  I pass this coffee house just about every day, to and from work.  Today, on my way home, I decided, “I got off a bit early, it’s open, I could use some coffee.”  I entered said establishment and looked around.  Empty.  Hmm.  Granted, it’s 7:30 pm on a Tuesday, so not surprising.  I walked up to the counter and there were two young, attractive girls working behind it and I said, “Hi, could I have a small cafe americano?” (don’t judge)  The blond girl behind the counter looks up and seems a bit startled at my presence.  Must be  a slow day. *shrug*  She says, “Uh, yeah, um, just a moment.”  She says, “Cammy, can you come out here?”  She gets to making my coffee and a pretty, dark haired girl with the biggest, brown eyes I’ve ever seen comes from the back somewhere and stops dead in her tracks when she sees me.  She looks at me a moment and looks at the other two girls who are looking at her.  My first thought, “Crap, do I have bird shit on my head?”  I try to subtly check…nothing.  My second thought, “Should I explain I’m neither Tim Robbins nor Skippy from Family Ties?”  No, that seems silly.  I stand there a second while the black haired girl pretends to wipe the counter.  The blond girl gives me my coffee and says, “Uh, you can have it.”  I say, “Um, really?”  She says, “Yeah, it’s late,” and looks at the other girl.   I just then notice the other blond behind the counter is busying herself near me, too, sneaking glances, like I’m some new breed of penguin.  I sit down, somewhat curious at to what’s going on and a minute later the black haired girl sits down across from me.  I look up.  She says, “Hi, I’m Camille.”  I say, “Hi.”  She says, “I don’t want to freak you out, but I see you pass by here at least once a day.  I’ve always hoped you would come in.”  Wow.  Really?  Me?  I say, “Uh.  Oh. Wow.  Really? Me?”  She says, “Yeah, I…see you and you have such a kind face.  I told the other girls and they agreed.  You’re our favorite daily person to see.”  “Wow, I’m a little embarrassed.”  “Oh, you shouldn’t be. Can I show you something?”  “Sure.”  “Well, I see you so often…” and she pulls out a sketch pad that she folds back to show a PERFECT likeness of my big jawed profile.  I say, “Um, WOW.  That’s really good…and…a little…I don’t know…”  “I know, it’s a bit much.  Allen, I’d really like to get to know you.”  “Well, I…” Wait.  I never said my name.  Really.  I quickly wracked my brain to make sure.  Nope.  Never said my name.  “How did you know my name?”  “Oh. I overheard your friends say it once.” Wait a minute.  That’s possible, but REALLY improbable.  I say, “Cammy, this is kind of unnerving.  How would you react to something like this?” I hear one of the other girls cough at the counter.  Cammy says, “I WOULD BE FLATTERED!” VERY LOUDLY.  Okay, this is starting to get weird.   Nobody’s come into the shop since then and I say, “Maybe I should think about this…” “What’s there to think about?!?!?!  Don’t you like me?!?!?”  *SIRENS*  EJECT. EJECT. EJECT.   She starts to unbutton the top button of her shirt and I go, “Woah, wait a mi…oh my god…” There.  On her chest.  A exact duplication of her drawing of me INKED PERMANENTLY INTO HER SKIN.  “WHAT? WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!?!?”  “I wanted to show you I was serious.” “You’re serious alright!!! SERIOUSLY FREAKING ME OUT!!”  I get up to go and one of the blonds is there, too.  She says, “We all love you, Allen.” And pulls down her t-shirt top just enough to reveal an identical tattoo.  :O!!!!!  I get up and try to get past them and the other one’s behind me and puts her hands around me. “OFF ME, DEVIL WOMAN!”  I shove her back and she shrieks.  Not a womanly shriek.  An unholy, unearthly shriek.  Just then, Bruce Willis bursts in, holding a machete!  He yells, “THERE’S MORE IN HERE!” Suddenly, he’s surrounded by Bruce Campbell, Sigourney Weaver and for some reason, Dave Coulier.  Dave has a flamethrower and says, “CUT IT OUT!!!!”  AND BURNS THE LOT OF THEM!  The whole place goes up in smoke!  They drag me out of there (I grabbed my Americano) and I say, “What were they!!??!?!?  Aliens?!?!?  DEMONS?!!?!?  WHAT?!?!?”  Bruce says (not sure which one it was), “Beats me, probably just some nutso chicks.”  Dave gives me a pat on the back and says, “It’s cool, man.  Allanis was pretty kazoo, too. I got her with this, baby.”  I say, “Let me get this straight.  Bruce Willis, Bruce Campbell, Sigourney Weaver and Dave Coulier have been going around MURDERING people in Brooklyn and no one’s said anything?”  Bruce (Willis for sure this time) winks at me and says, “Star power, baby. HAHA!”  And then we all went and got some pizza at Carmine’s and teepeed Darryl Strawberry’s house.

And now the punchline. "Glad I didn't ask for a danish."

  1. Stupidman says:

    You typed this with one hand, didn’t you.


  2. Mo!!y says:

    Yeah, I knew it was bullshit when you said they were sneaking glances at you. Nobody’s that big of a masochist. *hugs!*


  3. Molly Mahan says:

    “Beats me, probably just some nutso chicks.”



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